Anhedonia, Nicotine, and the Gym
I've been feeling quite down lately. I suspect it's the weather. It's been chilly in my neck of the woods and it's an adjustment for sure. I was the CQ NCO yesterday and into today, Sunday. Some wonky things happened. A few dickbags from 3-187 snuck in and spraypainted "3-187, fuck 2-506." Not cool dude, I spent a good portion of the night trying to clean it. Lo and behold the extra duty nerds painted over it for me. Oh and they also pulled the fire alarm. The firemen weren't too happy and gave some empty, vague threats. I just nodded knowing they're bluffing. I guess I would be annoyed having to deal with bullshit on a saturday evening during daylight savings time if I weren't already working. Everything is just so...predictable. I have my entire career, life, and the like mapped out. I miss the being that wide-eyed 19 year old private, leaving his old life behind. Drawn to the mystique and wonders of a new place, learning new faces, seeing new things. I love the unpredictability, the uniqueness of it all. I don't exactly feel that way anymore and I do not like that. I can't focus on damn near anyhting except the gym, which I haven't been able to go to since Thursday due to illness and work. I also can't sleep despite having a roughly 26 hour shift, I think I threw in too many nicotine pouches.
I'd say this is also a good time to speak of my nicotine addiction. Growing up I witnessed my dad dipping snuff, he'd been doing it off and on since roughly 1985. I myself was pretty neutral on the topic. I never thought it was particularly gross, just something that dad just did y'know? Same with smokers in my immediate family, I never really had any issue with it. Sure, I sat through many health classes from elementary through eighth grade proclaiming the dangers of said substances. I never really minded it though, no visceral reaction to the subject. Cigarettes too, have a soft spot in my heart. My maternal grandma, who I and my siblings have alwas called Nana, is a heavy smoker. Every time I smell cigarettes I think of her. Anyways, I can recall my first REAL interaction with nicotine. I smoked the occasional cigarette in high school, albeit I did so wrong. Think Bobby Hill in that one King of the Hill episode. When I joined the army though, this changed. I would witness my drill sergeants CONSTANTLY dipping tobacco, spitting everywhere, and thinking it was pretty badass. Legitimately the entire OSUT company felt the same way. This influence led me to buy a can of Copenhagen Straight Natural Long Cut from the Sunshine Market in Mansfield, Ohio at the ripe old age of nineteen. I bought it on my winter block leave in 2022 before I attempted RASP. I remember secretly opening it up by my computer, throwing a pinch in, and listening to some music. The nicotine rush was incredible, to the point where I chase that high regularly now.
I then dipped and smoked here and there until my training rotation to Europe. I ended up getting into the whole zyn craze. I never had heard of it much until that point, this was somewhere around the January of 2024. They were just so easy to use and much more flavorful, plus, I was away from the rest of my unit competing in the brigade best squad competition. At M.K. Airbase in Romania they were real easy to get my hands on. They contributed to my mental sharpness and allowed me to take home the silver in the individual best soldier competition. I only got a coin for it but man I made some waves.
It all snowballed from there. Once one wouldn't work I'd throw in two, then three, and as many as 13 at a time. There were also higher miligram pouches I'd get my hands on too, 25mg, 40mg, 32mg, the works. I've continued with this habit to this day. I don't keep them in for very long, as I am concerned for my oral health. I'd say at most I'd have a group of pouches in for 45 minutes. If I do throw in a dip though it's roughly double that time. I will still smoke on occasion, it's more relaxing than it is satisfying, nicotine wise. I'm looking to find some stronger pouches but nowadays I throw in 6-8 of the 12mg Grizzly Southern Blend pouches. They offer a pleasant rush and the taste is very good. They also don't burn your gums like some pouches in that range, like FRE's, though, the 15mg wintergreen FRE's are highly satiating.
Anyways, for the past bit I've been lifting like mad. I don't want to speak much on this topic as it's even more mundane than my nicotine addiction. However, my goal is to at least throw on a few more pounds of muscle before winter leave. I'm well ahead of the curve to do so. I have always been able to gain muscle relatively easy, ever since I was a child.